I love him with all my heart!

I posted this on Facebook, December 12, 2015

Good afternoon friends and family! Please know that all of your thoughts and prayers on our family's behalf is always so very appreciated!

This post is probably gonna be long, so just skip to the end to read the finale. Most of you know that Mike was hospitalized a few months ago for chest pain. An angiogram was performed and it came back fairly normal with a little bit of plaque buildup and one artery was 45% occluded. He was put on heart attack medication, but his symptons persisted. Eventually an ulcer and gastritis were found. We thought we had a concrete reason for his chest pain. Because we thought it was never really his heart, we asked the followup cardiologist to cease the baby Aspirin and Plavax. The cardiologist agreed IF a PET scan of his heart came back normal. Which it did. Two weeks ago, Mike took his last heart attack meds. However, the chest pain frequency started to increase. 

Last night, Mike was at the Nephi AirMed base working when he had a more severe chest pain attack, not as bad the ones he had a few months ago, but more than he has had in a while. He and the nurse ran an EKG, which was abnormal. His blood pressure was also elevated. The nurse took him to the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center ER in Provo. While we were in the ER, his troponin levels began to increase, which is an indication of heart muscle death. He was admitted and this morning he was experiencing more chest pain so another angiogram was performed. Two arteries were found to be 85% occluded and three stents were successfully placed and now those arteries are working beautifully. 

As the cath lab cardiologist showed all the imaging to me and so patiently explained what was performed, tears just began to flow. I told him, "I could just kiss you!" I was terribly terribly grateful for his thoroughness, his kindness and concern and for saving my husband's life! The other staff were right beside me expressing their concern and showing such compassion, the tears flowed even harder.

Last night, in the ER, I prayed so fervently. I pleaded that the doctors, nurses and staff would be guided to know what was wrong. I felt Heavenly Father's reassurance that all would be well. I felt of His great love for Mike and that He was indeed aware of him. Even when he was admitted, yet again!, I felt a sweet calm assurance that he was going to be okay.

While I waited for Mike to recover, I went to the cafeteria to eat and was looking at the milks lined up with a few tiny buttermilk cartons and I said out loud, "Who in the world would drink buttermilk as a refreshment???" A sweet familiar voice said, "Kathryn????" As she wrapped me in her warm embrace I started to cry again. It was such a nice surprise to see a friendly face and feel of her love as I recounted what had transpired. Such a tender mercy.

Mike is resting comfortably, he has woken a few times but remains asleep right now. He will probably be discharged on Monday and can resume work in a week. Michaela's baptism was scheduled for next Saturday and the doctor said, "I want you guys to go forward as planned. I want him to be living his life." 

As I said in the beginning, I want to say, "Thank you," to everyone and tell you how much we love all of you and are grateful you are in our lives. I am grateful for prayer and for our Savior who suffered everything for us. I feel such strength in knowing that we need never suffer alone when we have Him to turn to and lean on.

Normal, but perfect day

Today has been a calm happy day.  It started out with me and the girls making red velvet waffles.  Oh, man, they were good!  We attended stake conference, and I actually got something out of it!  I have a church bag that contains all sorts of things to keep the kids quiet while they listen to the speakers.  

I came away motivated to keep the faith and stay true to the commitments I have made to my Heavenly  Father.  After church, Michaela wanted to make cookies together with her Easy Bake Oven.  Caleb, seeing our fun, decided he wanted to make pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.  While we waited for the cookies to bake, me, Caleb and Michaela played duets on the piano.

When the cookies were cleaned up, Emily begged me to take her on a bike ride.  Then Jake and I played a basketball game outside.  I helped Caleb finish up some last minute details for something school related and it was time for bed.  

Caleb could sense something and said, "Mom, you okay?" as I knelt down for family prayers.

"Oh, I just have a headache, love."

"Oh, I'm sorry!"  He reached for my hand.  

I read with the girls and got them to bed.  As I tucked Emily in, she was picking her nose and said,  "Yum.  Mommy my boogers taste like cookies!" and giggled.  Silly girl.

After turning off the girls' lights, I went to the boys' rooms.  Caleb told me to lie down on his bed--he wanted to give me a surprise.  He placed a cool rag over my eyes to help my headache go away, and whispered something to Jake.  They each grabbed a foot and rubbed lotion onto my cracked heels and arches.  Next, they rubbed lotion onto my hands, arms and elbows.  I could hear Caleb maneuvering nail clippers and I cried out (in a whisper), "Oh, thanks, boys, but how 'bout just the lotion?!"  I couldn't shake images of my fingernails cut to the quick, bleeding all over the bed.  To finish off, Caleb rubbed the side of my right hip since he knows it hurts me frequently. (I'll be having arthroscopy surgery in 9 days to fix torn cartilage and reshape the femoral head.)  

Last night, Michaela and I had a pretty ugly fight.  I won't go into the details because it doesn't need to be recounted.  However, this morning as she crawled into bed next to me and we hugged she said,  "I'm sorry about last night."  I said I was sorry and squeezed her tight and reminded her, "Today is a new day with no mistakes in it."

She nodded and said, "Can we start over?"

Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I'm grateful for new days with no mistakes, like today.  I am grateful for our four beautiful, sweet compassionate crazy booger-eating children!  Along with their dad, they are my breath, my life, my everything!  I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus  Christ that reminds me we can start with a clean slate and not let our past dictate our future.  I love my family, and I love Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father!

Heart Palpitations

I have been wanting to write this blog post for a few days because I have felt the need or desire (I'm not sure what to call it) to record the events of the past week because I don't want to forget them.

Mike felt some chest pressure running a few weeks ago and then while mowing the lawn.  He decided to get it checked by a doctor.  Monday he saw a family physician who ordered some blood work--Tuesday morning Mike was on his way home from an AirMed shift when the doctor called him and told him one of the tests indicated his heart had some damage to it. The results were slightly elevated.  He needed to see a cardiologist and he needed to see one that day.  Naturally, this was very worrisome to my husband, whose livelihood depends on his physical fitness.  AND his first thought was, "How am I going to tell my nail biting wife?"  (My words, not his.)  Mike had to stop at the University of Utah hospital for some AirMed business on his way home.  As he was walking from the parking garage to the hospital, he felt the intense chest pressure again, stronger than he had ever felt and he just did not feel right.  He immediately went to the ER.  It just so happens the University of Utah hospital has one of the best cardiac units around.  What followed was about eight hours of waiting--waiting for some answers and waiting some more for more answers.

Mike made the dreaded phone call to his nail biting wife who reacted just the way he knew she would react--she fell apart.  It just so happened, my visiting teachers were here at the house for a visit (HOORAY FOR VISITING TEACHING!) and witnessed my blubbering mess of a person as I listened to everything Mike recounted to me over the phone.  They took care of Emily and I headed to the hospital.  En route, I kept crying.  When I thought I was done, I cried some more.  I called my mom so she could get the kids from school.  She reassured me, "He's going to be alright.  Be strong, Kathryn.  He needs you to be strong right now."  The problem with me is, I fall apart first, then I can be strong.  So that doesn't really work well in a crisis situation! I repeated to myself, "I can be strong.  I can be strong.  I can be strong."

When I arrived at the hospital and saw my 190 lb. six foot muscular husband sitting up, clad in a hospital gown, two IV's and sticker thingys all over his chest, I buried my face in his neck, kissed him, kissed his forehead, and began to weep.  He was still alive, he was up and talking.  He was still here.  The cardiologist, left the room to give us a moment.  In that little hospital room, I felt like we were almost not part of this mortal world as we held one other and whispered, "I love you...." and cried.

Once we were composed, more doctors came in and explained the angiogram procedure.  And then we waited.  For seven hours. Mike tried to doze, I crawled in bed next to him, careful to avoid the IV.  I had to feel him to reassure me.  

In the late afternoon, Caleb called, crying, "Mom, is Dad alright?"  Grandma had done a very good job explaining that Daddy was in the hospital.  They were running tests on his heart.  She knew that Caleb would take it the hardest and she was right.

At 4, Mike flipped on the news. I tried to listen.  I couldn't so I looked up cardiac terminology on the iPad.

At 6 PM, the cath lab peeps came to take Mike.  I held him one more time, kissed him and stepped back with my arms folded.  But I had to kiss him again, just to make sure he knew how much I loved him.

Once his large body was out of the room, I stood in the middle of that stark, white hospital room feeling very small.  Feeling very lost.  Feeling very confused.  Feeling very shocked.  I had to do something for the hour that they told me it would take to finish.  I had to leave that room.  I realized I was hungry so I headed to the cafeteria.  At least there there would be bustling life.  Thirty minutes later, I returned to the room, and right as I heard the door latch click, I heard, "Mrs. Keesel?" (Why does no one know how to pronounce our name?)  I turned slowly around gripping my purse.  Why was the doctor in my room so soon?  What did they find?  "Mrs. Keesel, your husband's heart looks pretty good.  We found some plaque buildup but there was no need to put in stents--we did not find any blockage."  I felt like a balloon that had popped.  His heart looked good!  Within a few minutes, they were wheeling him back in and I could see the relief on Mike's face.  His heart looked good!  I grabbed his hand and smiled.

We were told a cardiac team would visit with us to explain the next steps, but soon we were told they had left for the night.

Mike had to stay the night in the hospital.  The next morning, a doctor told us they don't know for sure what was going on with Mike's heart, but they offered an explanation that fit all the test results:  He may have had a clot form from some of the plaque, and that clot loosened and blocked blood flow to an area of the heart.  His body may have broken the clot down on its own.  This is called an NSTEMI heart attack.  However, this is their best guess.  The plan is to treat him like he has had a NSTEMI heart attack.  He gets all the heart attack medication and he has to see a cardiologist regularly.  He has to take a week off work but was told to resume his normal activity after that.

Wednesday night having the whole family together for family prayers, Mike asked me to say the prayer. As I prayed, "We are thankful Daddy can be here with us and that he is doing well," Mike reached over and held my hand.  I got the kids to bed.  Then I went in to our room and Mike and I had prayers together.  Perhaps from the relief that he was home and was probably going to be alright, I began to cry.  We knelt on the floor, holding each other in silence as the tears coursed down my cheeks.  

When I knew Mike was asleep, I went out into the kitchen to get a glass of water.  As I stood in my kitchen and looked around, thoughts such as, "This is the kitchen Mike and I designed together.  This is the wall paint we picked out," came coursing in painful bursts.  And then I felt huge sobs catching in my throat as I realized how none of this material stuff matters if I can't share it with him.  Nothing matters!  I quickly walked out to the garage and crawled into the front seat of the van and let it all out.  I cried for the fear I felt on the way to the hospital and when they wheeled him out of the room.  I cried for the relief I felt when it was over, I cried in gratitude for all the wonderful memories we have made together and will still get to make together. 

Blessings

Today was a hectic day.  But woven throughout it's chaos were spirts of joy that I just had to record.

First, Em is very very excited to travel to California in exactly fourteen days to see some of Mike's family.  Today, she drew a map to help her Daddy know how to get there:

Yesterday, we found out that Jake impressed the Premier Surf team's coach with his goalkeeping skills at last week's soccer tournament.  He asked Jake if he would play for him at the next tournament.  It's quite an opportunity for Jake and he gets to play with his best friend, Austin, who is on the Premier team.  Watching them play together every single day just brings joy to my heart.  I am filled with gratitude that Jake has found such a sweet, kind, fun-loving, easy-going friend.  

After our busy afternoon, Michaela crawled into my lap and wrapped her arms around me and snuggled into my neck,  "Momma, I miss you.  When can we spend time together?"

Then, Emily, bounced over and said, "Mommy, Mommy!  Mommy!!!! Look!  I already packed for California.  I wanted to be all ready to go in 15 days!"  Her backpack is full of toys:

Then I threw together dinner, quickly whisked the dishes into the dishwasher and gathered the kids around for scripture study.  We played a little search and find game. Michaela whined when she wasn't as fast as her brothers.   But I pulled her next to me and simplified the game and she became a little more involved.  Emily jumped on the couches until I wrangled her to the floor and gently placed some books in her lap to keep her from distracting her siblings.  And then a neighbor called just to tell me, "Your son Caleb is such good kid!  Thank you for raising such a kind boy!"  Without giving too many details, last week, Caleb and another boy noticed their friend being teased by someone and it had gotten out of hand.  Caleb and the first boy quickly rushed to their friend's aid and got the teasing to stop.   When I pulled Caleb aside tonight, to fervently praise him for being such a good example, his cute freckly face lit up.  I had to tousle his towheaded locks.  Wow, Mike and I are just so blessed to have such a sensitive soul in our family who senses people's needs and has such a desire to always do the right thing!

Got the boys off to scouts once we wrapped up scripture study. Went to the Carter's next door to finish a wood making project with Michaela.  The Carter's are Michaela's church primary teachers.  They purchased all the wood and cut it out and have shown every one in her class how to make this cute treasure box.  Tonight we got to finish it by painting it.  So grateful for good people in our lives!

When I finally got all the kids to bed, I quietly went to the office to send out emails and answer texts and set up carpools for tomorrow's soccer practices for the boys.  And in walked Jake.  Why is it that kids' fears manifest when they climb into bed?  Right when you are exhausted and feel like you have nothing left in your tank???  But then, how is it, that sometimes you find a hidden fuel tank reserve you didn't know you had?  I sat on the floor with him and discussed his fears.  I turned to see the door slowly creep open and Michaela stood there with her blankie held up to her face, "Momma, I hear all these noises.  I think a cat is trying to come into my room."  We all laid on the floor with my arms around them and talked about their fears.  Jake finally felt like he could go back to bed.  I got Michaela in bed and just decided to hold her until she fell asleep.  "Momma, thank you so much for being so nice to me!"  In two minutes, she was snoring softly. As  I laid next to her, I began to feel all the chaos of the day seep out of my body as I reflected on what had transpired.  It was a VERY busy day.  But, I saw how in spite of the busyness, it's possible to enjoy little moments here and there and that my life is rich and full.  It's interesting how when I lose myself in service, especially to the little people that have been placed in Mike's and my care, I find myself--my true joy, my true peace.

P.S.  I used to be afraid about the kind of world my children would inherit.  And I'm not talking about global warming and glacier melting.  I'm talking about an amoral world.  However, I have found the more I arm my children with rightesouness through consistent moral teaching and example, I don't fear anymore because I feel confident that these four little people that have been placed in Mike's and my care are going to change the world--for the better.  I face the future full of hope and gratitude because I have been given a strong moral compass through our religion.  And Mike and I are passing that moral compass on to our children.  

Father's Day 2015

Father's Day!  I love this day.  As each year comes and goes and I get to reflect on this giant of a man that I chose to link my life with and raise four little rugrats with, I sit back in awe at the man he is becoming.

This year, I decided to record interviews with each of our children about what they think of their dad.  It's pretty funny to see their little personalities be displayed in each video.  For example, Jake's video is half the length of Caleb's.  Jake is a boy of few words, whereas his brother is very verbal and it comes across in the video.  During Michaela's interview, Em was angry with me and kept slamming her bedroom door.  Stinker.  And now I have documentation to show her when she is older and I can use it for blackmail.

I apologize for my cut off head, I didn't realize I hadn't positioned the camera high enough!  Oh, well!

I found this cute idea on Pinterest and the kids and I made it for Father's Day.  Can't wait to hang it on the wall.

To illustrate what a great father and husband Mike is, let me give you a quick recap of our day.  The kids and I got up, had breakfast and got ready for church.  As we were climbing in the van, Mike got home from a 24 hour Airmed shift.  We got to church and saved a seat for him while he showered and got ready.  He walked to church to save having to drive two vehicles.  During Sacrament Meeting, Emily crawled into her daddy's lap and stayed there the whole hour.  This is pretty par for the course.  Michaela scooted by him and leaned her head on his large shoulders. 12 PM, Mike and I headed to teach our Primary Class.  He helped gently keep everyone quiet and respectful during singing and sharing time.  He politely and quietly escorted one boy to the bathroom who kept trying to play with his boogers and then climb into Mike's lap.

2 PM, we got home and I kept having to shoo Mike out of the kitchen because he kept wanting to help me, feeling bad that I was working on a dinner that was all for him. I called to the kids to enlist their help.  They didn't come.  Mike went and had a little talking with them to get them to come help and I had to tell him to go relax and I could take care of it, after all this day was supposed to be a day of relaxation for him.  He finally went to take a much needed nap.  The kids pitched in: the girls shucked corn, Caleb cut up potatoes and Jake emptied the dishwasher.  The girls, Caleb and I made Daddy's Father's Day treat: Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Truffles.  Jake got his Family Home Evening lesson prepared.  4:15 PM, I got Mike up so we could have an early dinner.  (He had to leave for work again at 5:30 PM.)  I did ask for his help in grilling the baby back ribs he had requested for dinner.  He is the griller in the family and I was a little worried I would burn them.  However, I had slow cooked them in the oven for over 3 hours and they were falling off the bones when he brought them in to the kitchen after searing them on the grill.  S-c-r-u-m-p-t-i-o-u-s!  Phew, I didn't ruin them.  After dinner we ate his treat, held a short family home evening and Mike took off for work.

How we love Michael Timothy Kessel!  He is steady.  He is strong.  He is funny.  He is humble.  He is hardworking.  He is a protector and he is selfless.  Love you, Miggy!  Thanks for all you do!

Thankful

When I look at this engagement photo, I have so so many thoughts such as, "Wow, we look so young!"  Or, "Hey, Mike had a little bit more hair back then!"  But usually, my thought/feeling is, "I am SO lucky he chose me.  I look peacefully happy."

This past week, Mike and I have had an opportunity to go through an experience as parents with one of our children that was a little new to us.  We have talked at length about the best way to handle it.  Tonight we were able to do a little more analyzing and come up with our map of what we were going to do from this day forward.  Through this parenting experience we have grown closer, more united, more one.  And I just feel incredibly grateful to be linked with this man and I feel the need to write about it.  It's good to document these emotions and read about them and remember the feelings and experiences.

So that is what I am doing.  Documenting, so that when I want to strangle him over something stupid, I can pull up our blog and read this post!  No, not really, well I am sorta serious!  

At the end of our marathon discussion tonight, I said to Mike, "You really had no idea what you were marrying when you asked me.  You know that?"  And he smiled and said, "As if that talk we had on the beach didn't clue me in?"  I giggled, remembering how he had brought me to California for the first time to meet his family and had taken me to the beach for a bonfire.  We sat snuggled up close looking at the flickering flames and listening to the waves crash and I blurted out, "I am never going to work outside the home when I have children.  Let's just get that one thing clear right now.  So, if you're looking for a gal that wants to work outside the home, it's not gonna be me."  We hadn't mentioned the "M" word to each other  yet.  I had just met his parents for the first time that day.  If there was a time for him to be scared and decide, "This lady is LOONY, I think I had better get out now," it was then.  Heavens, we were just having a nice romantic date on the beach and out of nowhere I blurted out this craziness to him.  He had no idea where it came from.  After fourteen years of marriage, he isn't that surprised anymore by these outbursts of mine.

And so tonight, when he was teasing me about the beach outburst, I cried out, "What possessed you to marry me?  Why didn't you run when I said those kinds of things to you?"  He just smiled and said, "Because I loved you and now I love you even more."

When we have moments like tonight, I usually think, "Can this be real?  Am I really as fortunate as this that I married someone so darn good?  That loves everything about me?  Can it be that I actually have a marriage I only read about and dreamed about?"  Now, I fear when I say all of this that I paint an incorrect picture of our day to day.  Take two nights ago: our phone conversation ended extremely curt and cold.  We have our not so good moments and quite a few of them.  We get mad at each other, but are so very committed to one another and grow united more every day, every year.  I think that's what makes our marriage so unbelievable.  I didn't know a marriage could be like this.  I didn't know that I could be linked with someone that is insanely different and mold together with me over time.

Moments like tonight drive me to write because I am a person that when something sweet or wonderul happens I have to tell someone to complete the experience.  Do you ever feel that way?  That might explain my crazy outbursts like at the beach.  Obviously, I am a verbal person.  I married someone who was not, but has become much more adept at conversing than he was fifteen years ago--out of survival.  

I made it 15 days!

I was sick fifteen days ago and woke up this morning with my eighth cold since December.  Nuts.  But rather than focus on this fact, I am going to write about what has happened since my last sickness, 'cause lots of good has occurred.  Here we go:

My mom agreed to come watch the kids while I took Mike on a surprise birthday getaway to Heber.  (Thanks, Mom!)  We soaked and snorkeled in the Homestead Crater--it's a natural hotspring surrounded by a rock dome.  The water feels like silk.  It was lovely.  We snorkeled a little, but mostly floated and relaxed.  Then we ate and spent the night.  

I get to spend all day with this cutie.  She is usually such a happy little girl.  One that keeps me entertained with her little preschooler chatter and her pretend play.  Her pregnancy about broke me, but she was worth it:

On a walk with Chewy up the mountain:

She pulls Oreos apart and eats the filling first:

She keeps me company on my errands and is usually pretty tolerant of walking all over Hobby Lobby.  Often she plays hopscotch with the floor tiles or brings little figurines that like to hide in the merchandise.  

On to my next blessing!  Last weekend we went to a Lego Americana Roadshow.  Many of our nation's most recognizable landmarks were constructed out of Legos and were put on display at a shopping mall.  It was really cool!  Sometimes I think Legos are really neat.  Not when they are all over the children's bedroom floors for days at a time, but what one can construct out of these little pieces of plastic is amazing.

Mike and some of his Airmed coworkers have created an indoor soccer team.  We got to watch one of their games last week:

Mike gets past his opponent:

He looms large as keeper (he's in the red jersey):

We had this amazing sunrise a few days ago:

This is a little sad, but still a blessing because I saw how tough and brave our little Squirt is. 

Emily fell out of bed one night and sliced her chin--we think on her bedrail.  We decided to get it stitched up to keep scarring to a minimum.  She was her chatty little precocious self throughout her Instacare visit--talking to the nurse and doctor, telling them she was little bit scared, but that's okay 'cause she was going to get fixed up, and did you know her brother threw up at school and she has a dog named Chewie? The nurse put some numbing goop (can't remember the name of it) on some gauze and then held it in place with this cute Santa Claus beard.  

Even with the numbing goop, the numbing shot still stung quite a bit, but Emily held super still even with tears streaming down her face.  I was so proud of her!  The nurse said maybe 15% of kids that came in for stitches were as good as she was.  We have a sterling scholar of stitches, folks!

The kids had their yearly La Fiesta program yesterday. They dance to Spanish music and it is incredibly fun to watch.  Michaela's class danced to Noches de Verano (Summer Nights) from Grease.  She was so so adorable dancing with her little first grade boy partner trying to do the swing.  

Caleb danced to a song that he doesn't know the name of, but it was cute, too.  He was overjoyed to be able to be in the same group as one of his best friends, Boyd.  

I should mention, Jake was sick.  Poor guy.  He threw up at school and was still sick the day of La Fiesta and wasn't able to perform.

But let me include these photos I took of Jake's patriotic program at school. they were taken more than fifteen days ago, but he is also one of our four greatest blessings.  His Spanish class sang "America" in Spanish.  It made me tear up.  They sang powerfully and strong.

And that's it.  Sure love our family--I'm glad that I get to be with them and create memories like these ones.